A Biographical Story

The zephyr horseman picked me up in his Carmen Ghia, I must have been about fourteen.  I don’t remember if my parents knew or cared.  Down the road away from my childhood home and my lover next door I drove with this mythic creature.  I am leaving to a new land, the land of his North Park apartment.  In 1975 This area of San Diego was the New Age Meca.  Once at his place it was obvious he was interested in sex with me.  He was very touchy and kept getting very close to me, he smelled of musk and vegetarian food.  You can’t blame a half man half horse to not be highly sexually inclined; I think these mythical creatures are why women and their stallions are such a common story in our world.  The Goddess is often depicted having a deep relationship with their horse companions.  I saw and knew what he wanted, what he didn’t know was that I was there for another reason and was intent on it.  I was on my way to my new life, I was on a journey and I came to find a teacher.  I was on a sacred journey to myself, and I was unafraid.  We hung out and went to parties and gatherings of other new agers.  I was the young one and hungry for knowledge.  I listened to the conversations around me and gravitated naturally to people who taught me.  I was a Goddess and found that connecting with men and women, there were clear signals as in who was safe and would further my quest and those who would not.
   It all started with a near death experience in 1973 at age 12.  I don’t like to spend a lot of time reliving my life before this time.  I refer to it as the dark period. Before my near death my life was dark and heavy I didn’t have the same awareness that I had afterward. This was the pivotal moment of my entire life; this day this event was my actual rebirth into life. This experience allowed me to have the possibility of a lifetime to be a Christ Being walking earthly existence awake aware and with dominion. This is the greatest beauty secret there is and the context and springboard for this story.
   I spent much of my childhood profoundly ill.  I remember suffering terribly with sickness and the constant threat of body numbing stomachaches.  Whenever I ate my stomach would bloat and I would spent hours in horrible pain. In part this was the training ground for getting used to the world calling me crazy.  At a very young age my three older sisters would taunt me, call me faker and then later crazy hypochondriac.  I would lay in bed crying and pleading for the pain to stop it would get so bad sometimes that as I slept I would be covered in a heavy cement as if I had died and then become entombed. I would sit on the counter in the middle of the night crying in pain as my mother tried to comfort and help me.  She would say, “ Where does it hurt? What does it feel like? I would tell her I feel like a brick.  When I think of my mother I don’t know how she coped with it. 
  At age twelve, it had all culminated to the event, the final attack and subsequent emergency surgery.  I was laying in bed with my stomach bloated and in constant pain, I hadn’t been able to eat for several days and any food that my mother tried to force me to eat only served to make the pain worse.  That night I lay in bed and I was experiencing the most profound experience of the cement ever. I could barely move and I lie there quietly crying.  I knew I was going and I think I even thought I might die so I knocked over my table lamp.  My mother came in and decided that possibly the diagnosis of stomach flu was incorrect.  My mother and father rushed me to the hospital. The car ride was indescribable pain as the tires rode over every bump and turn.  I remember laying on the cold metal gurney and that was it.  I woke up seeing people from my family around my bed.  I had a tube going down the back of my throat.  My sister was crying, I thought why are you crying I just didn’t want to go to school.  I awoke knowing that I had created the whole thing and I knew that I was back to stay.  Afterward for long long time I had anger about having to come back. But almost immediately after this event my life dramatically changed
  The surgeon said that my belly button had adhered to my intestine and slowly strangled it over the years to the point where no food could pass through and it was beginning to die and become gangrene in that area, They called it Meckels diverticulis, a birth anomaly of the intestine.
   I drifted in and out of the temporal world. I was not unlike those near death who drift in and out.  Many conversations took place in the invisible realm of my room.  Awakening and wondering for a moment where everyone went was a common occurrence.  In following   months when I began to readjust, my room became like a temple.  I bought a full-length mirror and filled my room with as many plants as my babysitting money could buy me.  I burned candles and incense and played music like Steve Millers “Joker” as I danced in front of the mirror.  “Some people call me the space cowboy some call me the gangster of love some people call me Maurice, cause I speak of the pompitous of love, you’re the cutest thing that I ever did see I really love your peaches want to shake your tree lovey-dovey, lovey-dovey, lovely-dovey all the time OOoo-eee baby, I’ll sure show you a good time”. I was a Goddess and I danced for the Gods like Steve Miller.
   My dream life became very real and I talked about my nightly escapades with my friends as we walked to school each morning. At thirteen I completely detached from any influence at home.  I did not realize by then that my parents nor my siblings had anything of much value to teach me. I began my accent into the quickest and most direct route into autonomy.
   My first author of a book on fasting I found at the local health food store was by a Professor Arnold Ehret, his book estolled the virtues of a mucousless diet of raw foods and fasting.  I haphazardly followed his plan over the next several years, I started drinking wheatgrass and fasting.  After years of problems related to eating and digestion I was looking for a way to heal myself.  Since awakening from my NDE I changed course, I went from looking for a quick exit to searching for a way to truly live in this world.  I said to guides and myself, “If I am going to stay here and follow through on this life, I will create the life that suits me. The main thing I knew for sure was that my health and well-being would be the guiding force on this journey. I had to find a way back to that state of well being that I knew was there, but I didn’t have.  I still suffered from the inability to digest foods as they sat heavy in my body.  I suffered constipation and daily fatigue. 
   Over the next three years I continued to physically decline from 16 till I was 18 I lived with my lover Timothy Fry.  He was a narcissistic surfer.  We used my savings of 1700.00 I had earned working at “The Greek Café”, to rent our apartment in Ocean Beach after my father kicked me out. I was the last of four girls to go and as far as he was concerned it was good-riddance.  Tim and I both worked, After we paid rent and got enough food and beer for him to get by on, any money went to his surfing, the first 200 dollars we saved he bought a new long board.  I probably wouldn’t had even noticed his selfish ways if a woman I cleaned house for didn’t make a point to complain that I shouldn’t being spending my hard earned money on his beer and surf wax. 
  It took two more years to meet the woman who saved me and taught and guided me to a state of health in order to fulfill on my promise to myself, to live my life in a state of health and wellbeing. I was kicked out of our apartment in El Cajon for fighting. Tim stayed because they said one of us had to go and Tim thought it best that would be me.  I knew deep down I could never spend the rest of my life with him. He was much too self-involved to even to begin to meet my voluminous needs.  Insecure and still sickly and malnourished I made my way home for a very short stay. 
   I went back home and found a job At Bob Big Boys under the auspicious of a greasy haired over weight manager who was a self- proclaimed hater of blondes. Being of the blonde family I suffered for over eight months of his tyranny until I applied to a seasonal position in Lake Tahoe at the Hurrahs Hotel and Casino.  I landed the last waitress position available. The next day while looking for lodging I was cut off and my car almost totaled. I wanted to come home so badly but at 18 my father said no.  “You’re an adult now”. Frankly his strong way of parenting left many scars that to this day I still struggle with. Basically he wanted me out and my well-being didn’t matter to him. When I reflect on this time in Lake Tahoe it was one of the darkest and loneliest times of my life. It was cold, my peers were into mindless partying, and I was not. I stayed completely alone the entire 5 months of my stay.  The only good part was earning 2000.00 dollars above my expenses.  When I returned to San Diego I immediately found a small house in El Cajon  and began working at The Good Earth Restaurant”.
   Over this time I went from one lousy date to the next. I was set up by my coworkers to the worst of the worst. One guy was short and spent our entire date talking about how he loved Indonesian women and was getting ready to go there very soon. Another guy told me to meet him at his place and when I got there started pawing me and getting very aroused within minutes of our first date. When he went to the kitchen to get us some beer I snuck out and drove home feeling abused and showered for an hour. Guys would hit on me at work but never call.  I ended up making out with this guy only to find out he was married. I didn’t feel I could pursue any interest because all of my energy was spent trying to earn enough to pay my rent and bills.  I had no idea that I had any choices available to me either.  I was literally struggling day by day to survive in a world that I clearly did not fit into.  I despised the bar scene when I did go out with the one or two friends. They would hook up with guys that I could see were not sincere and I would always go home to my hovel of a house and feel so depressed.
   One thing I had was my bicycle. I would take long rides on my days off of work. My life revolved around work, sleeping and long bicycle rides.  One evening during the summer, I had returned from a ride from El Cajon to Mission Beach and back.  I was feeling strong and beautiful, I saw a neighbor having a party. I recognized a girl from high school.  She said to me, “ It’s always the pretty girls who end up alone”.It hit me hard and stood there with a lump in my throat unable to respond. I was alone and I definitely felt it.
My Teachers Appear
   I had reached a level of desperation with my life and health and I began to search for help.  I met a girl and was telling her about my health problems.  I had thin hair and a constant headache. I felt foggy and had back pain and was very disillusioned with the way I saw people living around me.  She told me about a woman who was helping her and told me she would ask her if I could come over to her house. Her name was Dr. Katherine Rabel and she not only helped me but she trained me in how to care for my health and live a life with meaning. I began eating protein and was introduced to whey protein as a supplement.  She used muscle testing to determine what nutrients would help me. She became a mentor and helper to me. I learned water therapies and the correct way to care for my hair. I spent many hours over the next several years at her house. She guided me and planned my diet and nutrient regimen for each of my three pregnancies. Our relationship finally ended after my mother sued her for practicing medicine with out a license . We found this out one week after my mother passed away from breast cancer.  It cost Kat several thousand dollars in lawyer fees and put a lasting wedge between us.
   She had always told me not to talk about the work we were doing, I was so excited about it that I shared how well I had become with my family and friends.  I was naïve to how jealous and hateful people could be.  Ever since my NDE I was interested in things that most people around me could not understand.  At that time, my interest in living a healthy and vibrant lifestyle seemed cultic. My mother went one time to see Kat on my insistence during her long illness with cancer. Katherine ask her how many more times was she going to let the doctors perform surgery on her.  My mother became secretly enraged and used Kat as a scapegoat for all the anger she had inside her. She formed an alligence with my sisters and some employees and hired a lawyer to secretly sue her. I was a single waitress at the time and in no position to repay the debt,  It was a strained relationship after that. She continued to work with me through my pregnancies but the demands of my children and marriage became the most important thing. We separated after a fight, I haven’t spoken to her since, but I will remain eternally grateful to her for showing me how to live with self love and care.
   I started taking classes at a church called “The Teachings of the Christ”.  I learned about the metaphyical teachings of Ernest Holmes along with the teachings of the mystery schools. I began to gain dominion of myself and life.  I delved into dream analysis for a project in .”Self Inspired Leadership”. I began  taking classes in metaphysics ongoingly for several years.
 After buying our first house in Escondido Ca, I began to yearn for another teacher. On Russ and mines tenth anniversary we went to Catalina Island.  We spent the day bike riding around the Island  as I prayed and asked for a teacher in my life. Shortly after that I met Ann.  Russ introduced her to me after doing a construction job for her.  I attended a class with her in her home.  We watched a series talking about the ancient Matriarchal Societies. It was very a space for me to feel at home in and recognized.  She invited me to do personal work with her and I accepted. I spent one year with her doing deep inner journey work.  She introduced me to the work of Landmark Education and both Russ and I completed the two year curriculm. Landmark is an organization that teaches non linear education in the study of Being. This was  and continues to be the utmost important pivotal training for me. It gives one the ability to continually reinvent yourself and come from zero.  To be able to let go of the past and create our lives from our word instead of reacting to what is coming at you from the outside. We would often joke there are two kinds of people.  Those who have done the forum and those who have not. It really is that transformational. Ann pushed me to set and fulfill on goals always sending me to the place of my greatest fears. I taught spiritually inclined art classes for school children during their summer breaks, and started teaching art after school in my home.  Ann was strong and powerful.  She literally would generate huge ideas to fruition on a daily basis. I always felt loved and powerful in her presence. She moved after two years and I am no longer in contact with her.
I began to study middle Eastern dance over the next 7 years this became my teacher as I confronted stage fright and developing this new skill. I again hit the wall with my dancing and sadly gave it up, but not after learning a lot about The divine feminine through this vehicle. I feel it was an important key to my growth and work and still yearn for it in my life. I have been mainly focused on daily balance and care of my three children and family. Always sensitive to the needs of any given moment and able to work on many tasks in any given week. I have never let go of a need to be directed and work where I feel it is most important. Unfortunately making money has not been my strong suit.
  Then there was six months with Peter and his wife Josephine, Peter is a enlightened man and I found him in a group where people gathered to talk about any subject from the spiritual to philosophical. I spent many nights in this group as I recognized him as a place of above all safety from the masses of what I saw as unavailable and o.k. slightly insane.  This is actually very funny because I am sure I am often seen as a bit crazy others, I could offer names for that.  Regardless, being very sure of my sanity I sought weekly refuge with Peter and his wife Josephine, who is the most mesmerizing person I have ever met.  Watching her talk and move is like watching a symphony, her articulate hands and her passionate diatribes are like little Spanish dances. One visit to her house I sat and watched her uncover a beautiful persian looking tea set, handling and dusking off each cup as she prepared the tea and presented it with such intention and beauty. She has the most exquisite hands.  I began to have moments of lucid awakening.  The myth began to come alive. I started painting right after the last time we spent together.
  I put together a party, It was the premier party of the year headlining me, With dances of the sacred and profane. I took it to the edge and proclaimed my freedom from all tyranny and that I would live as I choose no apologies.  It was a talent show and the talent was other worldly.  A Spanish guitarist who sang in Italian, Spanish and English transformed my living room into an outdoor vineyard court.  My sons friend Rebecca played the keyboard and crooned to her own musical compositions, there was poetry and we danced until 2 am.  Josephine was a mad woman, and I was her cohert. The evening ended with Peter so eloquently giving a talk on enlightenment. He would often say, “just be yourself”. He was moving. At the end of that evening I stood in the living room in pure bliss.  I walked around my beautiful home enjoying all of it. I stood in the living room soaking it all in, just being there standing, looking and breathing was so wonderful.  I felt a large presence fill the room and all around and above. It was tangible and I knew it was the Goddess Mother herself.
 It was shortly after that that I finally uncovered the Oracle, it was a long tedious and arduous three year journey of study to figure it out. I had been nagged constantly day in and day out with a feeling that there was something I needed to teach that had something to do with movement and myth. It was hours of reading about the mythic journey of others and really looking in depth  to what the true nature of everything was on a constant basis. One day I had had enough, I told myself that I would spend every moment thinking about it until it was revealed or I was going to give it up once and for all. One the second or third day as I was turning left through an intersection in my car, it all flooded in.  It flooded in for twenty minutes as I drove home.  I jumped out of my car and ran in the house and wrote it all down as fast as I could. I was amazed and continue to be amazed. I am ready after a trial of working with a small group in my family and some friend to share the oracle and its complimentary teachings with others.
I met and began to work with Almine shortly after this and I continue to be her student.  She is beyond my wildest dreams as a teacher.  Her work is vast and so much in sync with me that I will save much of it for another time.  It will be an entire body of writing that will stand on it’s own.  For now I will say, I have tremendous love and joy and look forward to the time I am able to spend with her.  In the meantime I continue to practice integrating the qualities of an ascended master and strive to be a light in all ways.