Her eyes were white with the blue of the sky added to them as an after thought. As she looked up at me, the pain in them pulled me into an endless desert abyss. She smiled a beautiful smile that only a goddess can. My baby passed away three months ago, but he was beautiful. I am better now as it has been three months, and I can still have another child in a few more months. I can see her lovely smile and face so perfect and lovely. Her hair has turned to white on top as it covers her head and face like a lace scarf. She is in the desert lost and wandering. I can feel her pain and cannot speak, silence fills the spaces. I want to pull her up and wrap her in my arms as if I am the Mother Goddess herself. I want to enter the desert with her and stand like a beacon for her, for when she decides to return back to life.
I think of my own first born, the god like beauty and splendor of him. I know her baby son was like that and I am once again searching for her. Her husband must love her so and she wants to go on I can tell. How can she continue in this stark world without him? I do not know why and cannot even speak of it, I only wish to write her story from here.
She is changed forever, never to return as she was before. She does not want to go back to the way it was, she was, or others were around her before he left her. She wants to, she needs to hold on to this new way she is in this life.
It happened one morning while in the midst of her overwhelming grief. Her entire mind and spirit along with her body emanating from the center of her womb longed for him. She could not hear or see neither anyone nor thing, each tormenting moment turned into hours and then into days. She could feel herself being pulled in the realms from which her beautiful boy child now dwelt. Their love grew and grew until in one moment their love surmounted her vast grief.
Still she floated and wandered for days on end. She wanted to touch him and hold on tight, so she began to grasp at things in this world that she could feel. Her husband who loved her so, stood close as she clutched to him, as she never had before this moment in life. He held out to her his arm and anything else he could find that he thought might help. He who was in his own grief reached out to her, he began to apply little band-aids to her wounds. As he carefully stirred the soup he warmed the spoon before hand feeding her nourishment not only from the food, as he poured his spirit into each drop he fed her. Each moment became a lifetime, applying her mascara; she focused on each lash as the black sticky ink stuck to them. She went back and forth, I hate this mascara, the way it touches and sticks to my lashes and forth to I love this mascara as it covers and coats my pain with itÕs rich blackness. On and on it went like this, until one night at dusk, as she lay huddled on the soft and scratchy couch she slipped completely into the world of her beloved child. The television echoed in the background as her heavy eyelids tried to focus on a lifetime made for T.V. movie. She wanted to escape her pain by focusing on the womanÕs character painful drama. She began sliding down smooth stone, her hands on both sides looking for something to grip, as if to pull herself up to sit back up on the couch. Faster and faster she sped on this curving stone tunnel. The sun made her close her eyes and the ride took her mind off her troubles. Plop she fell onto the sand in this realm she now entered.
She became aware for the first time in a long time, and maybe even ever of a pulsating feeling. This feeling awareness felt tangible and vibrated with such aliveness that any fear that could have easily taken her over was assuaged. The desert underworld is sandy and filled with curved rock structures that act like caves and doorways. It is warm yet the rock provided enough shade to feel a slight breezy coolness. She dug her hands into the sand and looked around in an excited anticipation, for because of the pain she had been enduring all fear in her had been burned up. She listened to the deep silence of this place and began to fall a different kind of fall. She fell into the silence alone but somehow more connected and at one than ever. This continued as she sifted the sands through her hands and fingertips. She rested deeply and forgot all that was and who she was, only feeling a deep pulsating oneness. Pulsating, pulsating and pulsating, her first awareness was one of being lived as opposed to living. No effort on her part caused her to exist, it was as if life was living her and she turned and reveled.
Deeper over eons she sank into the sand, until one moment she began to fall once more. The sand caressed her and pulled her in, enveloped in its love, it wrapped itself around her like wet clothes soothing the wounds on her surface. She passed through its body and became healed and nourished by its love. Out she came into the under-underworld, a lush tropic where sounds of life replaced the deep silence of the desert. A new silence began, one filled with raindrops and wind, soft wind and the rustling of beings living in it. As she took her first breath in the under-underworld it filled her to completeness. She heard the sounds of a babies coos and laughter in the far distance. All of the life around her fed every part of her as strength resurrected her body. Her mind had been cleared and became enlivened; the force of some vast spirit moved her through the lush yet open landscape. She moved freely and happily toward the voices, as she came to a clearing and there they sat. Demeter and Persephone two goddesses of the underworld sat and bounced him on their knees. He giggled wildly, and was beautifully plump. His eyes were white with sky blue as an after thought in them. The two goddesses beckoned her in to join them, and there that sat the three of them and him reveling in gladness and joy. ÒComeÓ said Demeter after a while, ÒI have something to teach youÓ. She gave her clothes simple yet made for a goddess to wear. She added silver bracelets and an intricate silver and pearl necklace and pearl combs for her hair.
And so it began for months they all lived together while the mother and child grew she was taught many crafts and talents by Demeter and Persephone. She learned the sacred arts of food preparation and clothing design along with teachings of ancient scripts. They created a sacred union amongst each other and a bond that would never be broken. With each task and teaching a golden thread was weaved and filled her body, mind and spirit with light. Her child and her also created a bond and she realized that he was truly an ancient a wise soul who had come to her, to bring her back to herself and her true Goddess hood. Each one separately came to her as she slept and whispered secrets and blessings in her ear every night. In the morning of each day she grew more lovely, wise and at peace.
There was never a departing or any goodbyes, she simply awoke to the early sun and knew she had somehow become herself, whole and complete, willing and able, sacred and blessed. Now in each moment she breathes in life, and when she hears the words of other speaking to her a soft and loving compassion fills her. She is alive and she live now eternally in the vastness of her being as each expression sends ripples of her special signal out. All of life rushes up to greet her and for this she is glad.